


Offword Yuletide

by Catspaw



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Christmas, M/M, Sexual Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-17
Updated: 2011-06-17
Packaged: 2017-10-20 12:09:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/212634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catspaw/pseuds/Catspaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A little slice of off-world life</p>
            </blockquote>





	Offword Yuletide

"What the hell happened to the mistletoe?"

"Um." Daniel's brow creased into the familiar 'v' shape that denoted assimilation, concentration and deduction, deepening sharply with displeasure as he was forced to admit, "I'm not really sure, actually."

Jack pushed his cap to the back of his head and surveyed the mess that three quarters of his team had become. Daniel was stolidly cleaning his glasses but other than that didn't really seem to be bothered about the white ropes of goop that now decorated his vest and his face. Carter had that far away look in her eyes that indicated she was hot on the trail of a theory, the spatter in her hair and elsewhere notwithstanding, but that it was possibly an outlandish one. Teal'c appeared stone faced, as usual. Even goop couldn't disturb his dignity: the man was capable of rising above pretty much anything. Although very close observation revealed the fact that his mouth was turned down in slightly more than its usual expression of distaste as he plucked a gummy strand of goop from his staff weapon. With deliberate care, he rolled it into a small, rubbery ball between one finger and thumb and dropped it to the forest floor.

Jack resettled his cap and clicked his tongue with impatience at Daniel's not very enlightening response. "Carter, Teal'c, any ideas?"

Sam came back to earth with a bump. "Not really, sir. It was just hanging there," she indicated the low branch overhanging their temporary camp which until recently had held a very large ball of plant matter, "and then for no reason I could see, it exploded."

"Exploded?"

"Exploded. Kaboom," Daniel elaborated, moving his hands in an expanding circle. "We suffered some uh, collateral damage."

"Large explosion?"

"Not really. Just a little messy. And unexpected."

"So you've no idea why?"

"None, O'Neill. It is as Major Carter and Daniel Jackson have said. We did not disturb it in any way."

"Should _we_ be disturbed? Mistletoe's poisonous, isn't it?"

Daniel shook his head. "Well yes it is, strictly speaking - but you'd have to ingest large quantities for it to have any effect, as an adult, unless you were allergic to it. I'm assuming it's the same here. And none of us have swallowed any of it." He looked to Sam and Teal'c for confirmation and they both shook their heads.

"I don't think it's anything to be worried about, Sir. Neither Daniel nor Teal'c seem to be feeling any ill effects at all," more shaking and nodding of heads as the two men agreed with Sam's diagnosis, "and I know I'm not. As for the exploding thing - well, best guess I can come up with is that it's a method of seed dispersal."

"That could work," Daniel agreed. "There don't seem to be any birds here, and they're the most usual method of seed dispersal on Earth."

"And lots of Earth flora use exploding seed capsules to disperse," Sam added. "There are reasonable models to back up the theory."

Daniel suddenly snickered as he looked at Teal'c. "Seed dispersal. Oh man. _Seed_ dispersal."

Jack stared at him and the penny dropped. The long strands of semi-translucent white goop did look remarkably like -- he started to smirk, then chuckle as well. Until he caught sight of Carter's face, whereupon he cleared his throat and swallowed his laughter. "Yeah, well. If there's nothing we need to immediately panic about in your collective opinions, I suggest you go get cleaned up."

"Sir? We should take back a specimen for Janet to take a look at. Just to be sure there's nothing to worry about."

"Agreed. Maybe try and get a sample that's not quite as ripe though? It'd be good to get home not looking like," again Jack caught sight of Carter's flushed face and pursed mouth and rapidly jettisoned what he'd been going to say. "Never mind. Just be selective."

"I'll stick it in a flask, sir, just to be on the safe side."

"Containment. Good thinking, Carter. I approve of containment. Now hustle, kids, we're due back at the gate in two hours. I'll start tidying things up here."

While his team trooped off to the nearby stream with a flask and a bar of all-purpose soap and he smothered the remains of the fire, Jack worked very hard to push all the spooge jokes he'd ever heard to the back of his mind before they returned.

Succeeded too - years of self discipline in the field sure paid off sometimes. Although the thought of Daniel festooned with lines of what looked uncannily like jizz - _his jizz. Him coming over Daniel's face, his chest, his balls. Watching Daniel moaning and writhing underneath him, seeing him shoot his load over being striped with Jack's come --_

 _Hell yeah. That could work_ \--

Dick one, self discipline nil. Ah well, couldn't win 'em all. Spooge jokes though? _Those_ he could resist. Well maybe until he got Daniel home at least.


End file.
